“Contentment is created when your behavior is consistent with your values. When you act in ways that are consistent with the core of who you are, even when your actions aren’t approved by others, you increase your overall contentment. Happiness, success, money, relationships, and even the approval of others will come and go in your life, but what is ultimately satisfying is feeling content.”
Alan Downs, The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man’s World
The Velvet Rage changed my life by helping me understand how my experiences differed from those of my peers. It prompted me to question what truly motivated me and what made me happy. Like many gay men raised in the 1980s and ’90s, I fought for advancement, recognition, and perfection, driven by ruthless ambition. I unconsciously believed I had to excel at everything because being gay felt like a disadvantage. With this mindset, I saw perfection as the only way to prove my worth, making contentment an unachievable goal.
“As you take your eyes off the false prize (of more, better, and different stuff), you put them on the real prizes: friends, family, sharing, caring, learning, meeting challenges, intimacy, rest, and being present, connected, and respected. In other words, those best things in life that are free.”
“We shift from comparing ourselves to others to considering our real needs and desires. We shift from “more” to “enough” and ultimately get more of what money can’t buy. Priceless.”
Vicki Robin, Your Money or Your Life
While The Velvet Rage gave me the permission to question the motivations behind my actions and define what contentment meant to me, Your Money or Your Life laid out a clear path for achieving it. The book’s premise—that you are exchanging your life energy for money—helps you shift your mindset from “more” to “enough.” It becomes clear that spending your life energy aimlessly on one-upmanship, short-lived vacations, or other pursuits that don’t bring you closer to true contentment contradicts your ultimate goal.
So… Why Gay-FI?
I joined my local ChooseFI community to learn and connect with others on the path to financial independence. When I asked the group about openly gay leaders in the FI community, one person questioned why being gay mattered since it doesn’t seem relevant to achieving FI goals. They encouraged me to start an LGBT conversation in a more relevant group. While I agree that being gay, like being a person of color, female, married, or single, shouldn’t be relevant to financial independence, the reality is that it often is.
I realized that if sharing my experiences on the path to FI could help others in the LGBTQI+ community, it would be worthwhile. I’ve always been independent and unbothered by making decisions counter to the sensationalized gay culture. However, I understand that living within your means, saying “no” to extravagant vacations on credit, and being satisfied with a financially prudent lifestyle can be challenging in our community. In my 20s, I often struggled to balance my bank account with my lifestyle.
My reason for Gay-FI is to free myself from the daily grind and live a fulfilling life, deepening and expanding my relationships with my chosen family. I hope to learn when having enough of something brings contentment. My goal isn’t to stop working but to choose work that brings me happiness and fulfillment.
Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.
Mohatma Gandhi
Glad to have found your website, and look forward to following your journey as I chart my own path to FIRE. Thanks for your contribution.
Thank you so much for your kind words! I’m thrilled to have you join the community and follow along on the journey to Financial Independence, Retire Early (FIRE). If you ever have any questions or topics you’d like covered, feel free to reach out. Here’s to achieving our goals together! 🌈💪💸
“ They encouraged me to start an LGBT conversation in a more relevant group. ”
Omg!! This comment right here exemplifies the exact reason why your visibility and Voice are so needed! Congratulations on achieving FI and thank you for meeting this need. I’m very glad you are here 💕
Thank you soo much Brooke! I’m still in a little shock that I’ve achieved this goal, it has been a long journey… When I was kicked out of the Navy for being gay in 2002 I lived on a buddy’s couch for 3 months until I found my first civilian job. 22 years ago I never dreamed that I would be where I am today.
Being gay absolutely matters when pursuing FI. There are a lot of privileges (and frankly, RIGHTS) the straight community takes for granted that the gay community has to fight for. I love finding new voices in the FI community, to hear their story, their challenges, their successes. Looking forward to meeting you some day.
Thank you soo much for commenting Mindy! I’ve listened to you and Carl on soo many podcasts I cannot even count, haha. We actually met briefly at Week 2 Rocky Mountain Camp FI in 2022, so it has been a hot minute. I hope to meet and catch-up with you again someday soon!